Love is Neither a Shadow Nor a Thought
by Saint Philomena
Summary: Twenty years after the War of the Ring, Eowyn has troubling thoughts about a certain someone rated PG-13 for mild sexual content and swearing
1. Default Chapter

"You can not leave on the eve of battle. You can not abandon the men."

"Eowyn, why have you come?"

"Do you not know?"

Why do these memories haunt me so? Why have they returned?

"It is but a shadow and a thought that you love, Eowyn. I can not give you what you seek."

Those words tore at my heart. I all but gave him my love, and he threw it back in my face.

As I awaken from this dream that has tormented me much in the past months, I look over at Faramir as he sleeps. My dear, sweet husband. He comforted me in my grief and I love him for that. I gaze at his kind, aging face, and I love him. Yet why do my dreams take me back to that time when I loved Him? The one who would never love me.

I rise quietly, so as not to awaken Faramir. I go to the window to gaze out into the summer night. Over twenty years has passed since the One Ring was destroyed, and He became King of Gondor. That same year, He rejected me and wed the elf princess, Arwen. I was present at that marriage. I stood next to Faramir, and silently dismissed my love for the new King. Dismissed it as a young maiden's fancy.

Since then, I wed Faramir. Our wedding night is still clear in my mind; when we came together as man and wife. Some say it is painful for a bride on her first time, but I enjoyed it. I still find it one of the greatest pleasures ever to be had by a woman and her husband. I deem it almost sacred in its right.

I have borne six living children. Seven, if one should take into count Elboron, my beautiful son that did not live one full day. Alas, he is the only son I have ever borne. The grief of his death still looms over me terribly. Yet, he was not to be my last child. For I bore another daughter six year later.

Perhaps it is just as well the King rejected me. I am not a bearer of heirs. Queen Arwen has only borne three children, but one of them, at least, is a fine, healthy son.

Arwen! Arwen! How my heart envies her. Even now, as I gaze out this window, I see her lying in bed, her arms embracing Him. Perhaps, they are making love now. Their naked bodies touching and coming together in the marital embrace.

If only… No, I must not think such thoughts. I am happily wed. It is Faramir who saved me from my grief. It is he that I love. I shall give proof of it now. I shall wake him, and we shall make wild, passionate love.

Yes, we shall.

I waken him. I whisper into his ear. He complies readily. He throw aside his sleeping tunic. I unfasten my sleeping gown.

We embrace in our bed. We kiss, and I run my hand through his brown, gray streaked hair. I feel his still hard body against mine. My desire for him mounts. Yes, I know that I love him now.

It is done. I am numb. A coldness has overtaken my heart. My husband has fallen asleep happily at my side.

"Wild shieldmaiden of Rohan you shall ever be," he murmered, before falling into a contented slumber."

My thoughts are in turmoil. The coldness over me worsens as I think upon what has just happened. As I made love to my husband, I saw His face. As my pleasure mounted to its highest peak, I look into Faramir's face and I saw Him.

A guilt has overtaken me that shall not be easily lifted. I feel that I have betrayed Faramir, my spouse.

Why must I be tortured like this? I pray to the Valar and ask them why. Why did that happen?

Why did I fantasize myself making love to Aragorn, King of Gondor?

**Well, how did ya'll like it. I'm open to all opinions, so please review.**

**Also, I happen to think Aragorn lead poor Eowyn on terribly. In the movies, at any rate.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Many Thanks to darkchild99 for giving me a kind review. I could actually have made the sex scene a lot more graphic, but decided that would be a bit crude.**

Chapter 2

I see him standing there, feeling the morning breeze on his face. My heart lurches. I do not know why I thought I should come to him now, in as public a place as the palace courtyard.

I feel I shall regret talking to him, but if I don't, I shall be tortured by those thoughts ever more. After what occurred a week ago last night, I feel I must tell him. For the sake of my sanity, and my heart.

He hears me coming and turns to me.

"Good morning, Lady Eowyn," he smiles. His face shows few lines of age these past twenty years.

"Greetings, my lord Aragorn," I manage a shadow of a smile.

"Fine day, is it not?" He tilts his head to the sun, relishing its warmth on his face.

By the Valar, he looks so handsome, so kingly, as the rays of the sun spill around him.

"Aye." It is all I can say.

He looks back at me. I fear I shall blanch. His gaze is intense.

"Eowyn, what is it?"

Damn it! He can feel my troubled state.

I look over to the palace guards by the palace doors. They seem to be out of hearing range.

"I must speak with you," I say in a soft tone. "It is of great import."

Aragorn's keen gray eyes are full of concern.

"You are deathly pale. Come, sit." He ushers me to a bench next to the White Tree.

My body tingles with unwanted delight as his hand touches my arm.

"What ails you, Eowyn?" he asks as we settle on the bench.

"Aragorn," I begin, "do you remember that night, in my uncle's encampment? The night you left for the Paths of the Dead?"

He draws back slightly. "Yes," he says softly.

"It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I can not give you what you seek."

Why did I say that? Why did I just repeat the words he spoke to me on that fateful night?

"Eowyn," Aragorn shakes his head, "I know those words hurt you. I felt more guilt than you could know. But why do you now dwell on this? There is Faramir. You have been wed many years and you have borne him six beautiful children.

"Seven." I will not have my son forgotten.

The King nods his head.

"Yes, forgive me. Yet still I ask why do you yet dwell on one night that occurred over twenty years ago?"

Tears form in my eyes. I can barely hold them at bay.

"Do you not know?"

These words have, apparently, caught him off his guard. Yet I can not full read his face.

"Eowyn…" he starts.

"Please, hearken to me," I cut him off. "For past months, my dreams have been tormented by that night. Then, one night, not eight days ago, when Faramir and I…"

I stop. How can I speak of my husband and I making love? How can I speak of this to the King? Yet my heart is urging me on.

"When Faramir and I were in the marital embrace, it was not his face I saw. It was yours. I saw your face."

Aragorn's face now registers a look I can not read. Please, let him not think me a whore.

"My lord," I whisper, "can you now say my love is only a shadow now after all this? After so long?"

He has clearly been taken at unawares. There is silence between us. He touches my face with his hand.

"Eowyn, now you must hearken unto me. You know that I am bound to Arwen. I love her. My heart is eternally hers."

"Do not torture me with that," I interject, my voice rising. "I know that you love her that is the cause of my suffering."

As these words flow from my mouth, Aragorn removes his hand.

"Nevertheless," he says, "let me speak it plain. I do not love you. I never have. These words are not intended to hurt, but to aide. You do not need my love, nor do you truly desire it, I believe. You have Faramir's love and, as years have passed, I have seen that you love him. Eowyn, I think old memories have only come back to haunt you now. These dreams and fantasies that plague you are only images of past griefs and desires."

He seems so wise. How I wish his words were true.

"You seek to comfort me, and ease my troubled spirit." I say. "Yet, I believe there may be far more to this than by gone memories. Even now, as I gaze into your eyes, my heart pounds like the drums of war."

I reach out and take one of his hands in mine.

Why do I feel such need to be close to him?

"I know my feelings are wrong, Aragorn. We are both happily wed to another. I would not cause such a rift in our families. I only needed to tell you. I felt compelled to do so.

The King sighs and lays a hand upon my shoulder.

"I understand," he says.

I shake my head, woefully.

"Do you truly?"

"Eowyn, I have wished you joy when first I beheld you in Rohan. Do not, again, fall to despair. Pray to the Valar for guidance. Pray to Eru, Himself. Look for love and comfort in your husband and your children. Dwell on such things, and these painful thoughts shall fade away."

I look away. I can no longer bear to gaze into his kind face.

"Do you understand, Eowyn? Do you heed my counsel, or do you not wish to?"

I turn my face back to him.

"My lord, you are wise, and I do pay heed to you." I stand, I need to be away from his touch. He stands also.

"I would ask you one question," I say. "Answer this truthfully, and I shall go do as you have bidden me."

He nods. "Very well."

I swallow roughly. This shall be a dangerous question.

"Had there been no Arwen. Had the two of you never met, would you have had me? Would you have loved me as you love her?"

Aragorn looks stricken. I knew this question would be ill taken. Clearly, the thought of never having Arwen has pained him.

"I was a fool to think you would answer that." My voice is bitter. I turn to leave.

The King takes hold of my arm. I look back at him.

"Yes," he says, softly.

"Yes," he says again, only more loudly as if I hadn't heard the first time.

We gaze into one another. Neither of us speak.

That word. That one tantalizing word shall ever be ringing in my mind. He said yes.

I merely nod my head, unable to speak.

The King releases my arm. I take my leave.

I now must keep my end of the bargain. I shall keep my husband and children as the main objects of my heart. I shall do this to the best of my ability.

**I realize this is much longer than my first chapter. More complex and all that.**

**Anyhow, if you read this I would GREATLY appreciate that you review. Let me know if I made Aragorn too condescending.**


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